Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Ok as of 9th July 2007 I restarted blogging after all this while.

Moved to www.eternity-minded.blogspot.com

The Lost Soul |7:46:00 am|

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Thursday, October 21, 2004

graduation,

the end of 4 years of memories. 4 yrs tht embrance u and give u an experience tht is beyond value and monetary terms or 4 yrs of void tht would seem nth more special to u den any ordinary day. it is how u wish to spend ur 4 yrs tht really count. true, the exams in e end play a significant impact in the development of ur attitude towards e moments tht give colour and shade to time written but ultimately it is still u hu has to be credited to ur episode here.

the sweet taste of victory in a competition, the lone company of the ever-looming halls of corridors, the bitterness of defeat and disappointment, the frustration and anguish in failure, the juvalation of accomplishment, the dull placating tones of endless mugging, the choas of incompatibility, the crazy ramblings of classes, the incessant chatter of people around you, the every so funny lame jokes, the moments of support and the standing by of friens. all part of memory, one cannot do without the other, they all exist lyk yin and yang, all swarming thr my conscience as i recall past memories. nostalgic? definitely. i could scarsely control my emotions as we sang the batch song for the last time in the atrium, a moment to relish. though we held the arms of strangers, we were together for the last time, giving our hearts and souls and devoting all our capacity to relinquish and recall together something tht has sticked together wif us for 4 well-spent yrs. together.

i will definately miss time spent here in raffles institution. perhaps some ppl may proclaim me as some1 unwilling to move on but well i do treasure my history. ur hist is part of u, it gives u definition and experience. w/o a hist, we would hav no memories, no life to speak off. yet again, i'm so looking forward to going to jc. a fresh start, a new environment, new people, new concepts and a new experience. it feels entirely ironic, to both be joyous amd sad as we leave e portals of raffles insitution, which has undoubtedly been e centre of my universe. a rafflesian legacy. a rafflesian resolution.

jc life. a much more complex and superficial yet deep life all at the same life. some ppl will change. a lot off ppl will change. e influence of the opposite sex is definately going to be a big impacting factor here. i dun tink any other point can be more precisedly set in stone den tht. yet tht is not all tht comes. more politics, more sense, more judgement, more reason and more maddness. a fresh burst of flavour frm all the different cornerstones of teenage life, intriguing. and it seems tht is wad ultimately appeals to me. a shift away frm the sterotypicality and subjugated boredom tht plagues the minds of everyone of us these days. perhaps i'll be biting off more den i can chew? i'll get more den i can possibily handle? perhaps. but this element of chance in life is wad gives colour and surprise to life isn't it?

chance. hopefully i chanced an ace for my chem practical today. so far so good, nothing to fret bout yet. so it begins. the dreaded Os, the final test in tis course of our life. the ever-consuming maddness tht has been gnawing at the sanity at all of us, constantly prevading our conquest yet threatening to overwhelm us all together. i see it more den juz a obstacle now. i see it as a challenge to myself, a challenge to prove myself worthy, to show i can achieve wad i hav too often too incerely and too softly promised myself to do. i do it not for e sake of a U cert and e hope of a better life, not for e sake of bringing glory to my ancestors, not for e sake of my parents, but rather, for myself. a challenge i will overcome. and succeed.

mmm dun really feel lyk typing anymore, no mood today. felt really slack aft e chem paper, i'll probably try 2 do something later tonight. tomorrow's rj open hse, will probably go down 2 check out stuff. alright good luck for e upcoming papers every1 and for e last time Auspicium Melioris Aevi.

The Lost Soul |5:33:00 pm|

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Monday, October 11, 2004

mmm,

life is ticking away, every second, every minute. and here i am sitting in my of a flickerng monitor screen typing tis entry. haven updated in a long time i noe. dad went overseas again trying to settle a job in indonesia so here i am online aft all tis while yup. mmm i'm also not sure of e job status of my dad. he got retreched frm his old company and i believe he is doing something new wif his ex-boss. anyway so few ppl r online these days, all exam stressing sinking into every crevice of their minds. pervading sense and reason, ppl getting stressed out yet i feel strangely empty. i juz dun feel lyk studying yet i feel pressurized to study, i feel pressurized to do work to be hardworking to do wad every1 else is doing but seriously i feel lyk a a vacumn. an emptyness inside, juz sick of tis pointless efforts to mug and mug and mug.

its finally here isn't it. aft 4 yrs. somehow i tink i probably got burnt out aft prelims and i'm having trouble keeping my pace. all e previous times, the motivations and e stamina hav all been drained and bleached into oblivion and i feel juz lyk an empty husk, hollow, transparent and faded. all i can conjure are thoughts of finding ways to relax, my thoughts screaming out to juz run and release myself frm tis tormenting cycles of inflicting meaning facts into my memory. i wan 2 go to e beach and juz feel the breeze against my face without the nagging pain of Os grinding somewhere at the back of ur conscious, threathening to consume all ur sanity and leave u spitted with nothin but bones shld u dare to hav e audacity to ignore it. no tis cannot continue, i hav to drag myself out frm tis jagged sea of dispair and rise above e darkness. the last lap, the last month, the last ditch effort will not be in vain nor will it be bogged down and stained by my self-imposed and overly excessive paranoia and pessimism. i will hav 2 find motivation and i will overcome tis intact.

the last few days i've been watching e neon genesis evagelion dvd and wow it really roxs man. on a surface level it might seem juz another cartoonist dreams of his own warped twisted imagination of reality. or another childish story designed for marketting, but it goes more den tht. it has naturally all e themes and ideals tht 1 may find in a lot of other shows, self-sacrisfice, self-discovery, friendship, the stigmas of a bad childhood and e foolishness of humanity. the list goes on. wad gives man the right to exist anyway? are we so foolish in our efforts to survive we are willing to harness e engine of our destruction? the questions go on. but yet e most outstanding issue questions our very values and our existance. hu are we? are we defined as how we see ourselves? in tht case if u are e onli thing existance in nothingness, wad difference r u frm nothingness? how diffrent r u exactly? w/o anything there is no difference. it is onli thr e existance of the "other" tht "i" can defined isn't it? u are still ultimately defined by how u exist in every1's mind and how u exist in ur mind as well. none is independant of e other isn't it? everything together defines "u" fore w/o others and anything else, u hav no practical difference frm nothingness yet w/o urself, u cannot exist. perhaps these is y ppl care so much of wad others tink of em.

another interesting thing of human nature it points out - man wans freedom but rejects it at e same time. imagine if u can complete freedom, no rules to bound u by, u would not noe wad to do or where to go or wadsoever isn't it? u would wan an objective if not man feel his life has no purpose but wif an objective u hav a restriction. u wan emotion but emotion comes wif restrictions too. so indeed how can e idea of complete freedom exist actually? if one were give it, one would wan more and wif tht more one would be restricted. i hope e pt is coming across here but if u dun understand me go watch e series haha. well another thing is e true value of things we hold as worth of value. e pt there was pretty clear. u r not defined by ur value tht others see u by or even how u see urself by. u may be characterised by these value now, believing they r everything to see, so much to e pt tht they define u and u would be nothing w/o them but more often u can lead an entirely different life and still be defined as urself w/o em. juz another pt they drove across.

mmm well time flies in e flash of an eye, grad ceremony is tis saturday. wif e benefit of hindsight i guess i wished i did a lot of things differently but den again all things done hav value. it was juz a moment ago i tot i was in sec 1 orientation and well now 4 yrs hav gone and we hav walked thr e portals of ri. good or bad? impossble to evaluate isn't it? our lives can onli develop 1 way. there's no bar for comparison. anyway ya there'll be memories treasured and moments hated undoubtedly for every1 and tis all contributes to e sense of e experience we all went thr. a sense of saddness and a sense of juvalation, an irony in human beings so lyk e hedgehig's dilema but tht's wad all makes it even more worth remembering. ok ya tht's bout it i guess. back to mugging haha. cya and take care.

The Lost Soul |9:04:00 pm|

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Sunday, October 03, 2004

hello,

i'm beat man. juz came back from the beach. yup again. haha i'm lyk going there so often these days but well the whole ambience is so nice and relaxing and all and well u get e pic. maybe aft Os should go and camp there? haha or sentosa. we'll see how it goes. anyway went blading. or at least if u would call wad i did blading la. all i can claim is tht i haven completely forgotten how 2 stand on eight wheels so ya. haha ok la at least i'm getting for proficient at it. maybe by nxt yr it'll come as easy as cycling? heh. it seems 2 me i wan 2 go do so many things but there isn't enuff time. there nvr is is there? time is in such abundance, everyone, everything has it yet no can claim sufficient for himself. guess tht's juz e way it is. life is short, live it. well anyway so tht's basically the whole evening gone.

ok so well i finally got down 2 working again. bout time man haha. interestingly i forced myself 2 do it during e weekend wen i had been lyk slackin throughout e entire week since aft our last papers. ya finished our O lvl papers excluding e drawing parts and i realised i can't do some of e qns -.-" ok maybe its e phrasing or juz tht i forgotten all my stuff. if tht's e case well, i can return my a1s back to my teachers. okok so its a sign. gotta get back 2 mugging seriously again. i really dun feel lyk mugging man. mugging feels so bloody stupid and pointless. but well its juz these last stretch of e race, if we give up now we lose everything we endured and persevered for. no it wouldn't be worth it then.

sometimes i wonder wadever y we would plunge ourselves into darkness? i mean wad's e pt in e end anyway? is it coz of e legacy of an long-past elder in ur family? or is it juz e sense of accomplishment we feel wen we met and exceed our goals, exceling and achieving? or is tis juz a stepping stone in accomplishing our dreams for some? wadever it is, sometimes i get e feeling wad i'm doing is all for nothin and i dread it. its sicken yet it'll probably stick and hover around us for time to come and even more so i'll probably hav 2 get used 2 it.

i'm really glad tht i can get inspired or rather i can force myself 2 work by somethings and interestingly, its probably diff frm most ppl. haha its not parents, e dream for a better life or religion (i'm still a free tinker btw) or morals or whatsoever. its rather guilt haha. ya. strangely but definately. wen i see some of my friens working really really hard, ya i feel inspired 2 put in tht much effort as well, not to match e results or wadsoever but juz 2 match e effort haha. ya there u go. wad kind of warped mentality do i hav man? its juz tht i feel guilty not working so hard as well, so i do. or at least i try. bizzare but yes tht's e truth anyway. u can swallow it or spit it out it maks no diff anyway.

oh yes anyway i nvr imagined i'd actually lyk e songs frm a Christian band haha. really its juz so, so uplifting. its quite inspirational actually and motivating. now i understand y so many ppl lyk Hillsong. ya so ok maybe i dun really dig e lyrics bout God (no disrespect here) and all tht but well its juz e whole positivity and faith in it tht makes it really amazing and nice. its so diff frm e songs we hear nowadays. so refreshing and full of vigour and life. haha i really hav 2 thank ignatius for transfering e first song to me. i act din noe wad i was dling or hu i was listening 2 till i realised it was by Hillsong. so ya haha.

anyway gtg for dinner, i'm lyk so starving. mum's calling me anyway. and yup dad's back. came back yesterday/ so i'll expect he'll cut off my comp usage playing elysium? haha well wad can i say? cya.

The Lost Soul |6:52:00 pm|

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Tuesday, September 28, 2004

yoyo,

jubilation. at least temporal for now. results are out, hmm well i did better den i expected seriously. ok so there was a tinge of disappointment for dreams gone wild, a glimpse into un-reality, but hey seriously i'm more den contented. ambition might kill sometimes, and so will procrastination and complacence. well i got 85% for phy, truly surprising, mr wee gave me the impression i was a gonner. 91% for e maths and 76% for hist/ss. wow. i managed 2 get an a1 for hist/ss heh. din expect tht. ok eng 78% and lit b3 yep, score unknown: there u hav it, e slightly shreded fragments of a dream turned true. perhaps hoping for straight As is too high above e clouds. bio will be revealed tomolo yup. hopefully an A1 too? haha am i asking for too much? :P ok so e hard work really did pay off. all the times i juz felt lyk giving up, all the times in the dark swings of depression, all the times i forced myself grudgingly to go on, all the dark intense brooding moments. well its finally cumulated into this climax. or rather this calm night before the storm. ya got my 6 points, looks lyk i'd be able to juz walk over now. at least for e first 3 months. yep i'm definitely satisfied. but no slacking off. e most impt papers are yet to be.

anyway well i noe some ppl din do as they might hav hoped. yup i juz wanna say ya it isn't over. life nvr is until you choose for it to be. no one else can force you to click the game over button. there's still bio, lit and eng tomolo for those hu haven found out their marks for my class. other subs for others. dun giv up. there's still moderation too ya? its not over and even if we still dun all achieve straight As for prelims there're still Os. they r still e papers ultimately determining our future 2 yrs.

ok ya aft sch met up wif zaidi aft his meeting wif his p. sch mates. we went 2 orchard intending to catch a movie, but it was a tag too late and ya not exactly veri possible for zaidi 2 get back home 2 late so we juz decided to walk around and talk instead. yeah. boring? nah i dun tink so. it wasn't for me at least. a couple of interesting things happened though.

for starters we met weng at taka kino. as usual we were blind and she spotted us. heh probably studying wif her friens but man i feel so guilty aft seeing tht. =P ppl r working so hard aft prelims and there we were relaxin and cooling off for well no really justifiable reason really. aft all our prelims had already ended last wed, earlier den em and we shld hav had our share of fun by now. but well e most interesting thing was i juz make a comment onli moments earlier tht some ppl can't go 2 orchard w/o meetung some1 they noe and we were definitely not 1 of em. zaidi mentioned something lyk i shldn't say tht shld we really meet some1 and lo and behold we did. haha. one of life's lil' jokes =]

well which reminds me. i also met some1 on e train later on e way home. din noe hu she was but apparently she knew my name. she mentioned something bout mbs and p 5 i tink but i dun seem to hav any recollection at all. oh man my memory is lyk dying out on me or something. anyway ya couldn'd say much coz i had to alight so yup. another coincidence: i was toking 2 samjo earlier tis mornin bout memories of our lives and how they'll fade wif time and all. and how we shld mak due effort to preserve our memories, the only key to the past history tht defines us as wad we r. and there we hav me completely blanking out on my p sch days. haha well irony. another of life's cunning pranks perhaps? well i do sincerely hope tht e past memories of these 4 yrs will continue staying on wif me for e rest of mu life. i suddenly realise they're so intangible and easily forgotten. buried under the eons tht mark the passage of time, lost for good. they represent so many things we stand for, we did, we pursued, we acoomplished. forgetting em will be lyk letting a part of urself go: u will nvr be whole again. nostalgia? well heh i'm sure i can be entitled to be, i'll be graduating in a couple of weeks man =P

bear wif me, anyway another interesting incident was wen we were alighting frm summerset mrt, tis rg girl approached us to buy charity draw tickets. guess frm which organization? haha ya the red cross. woah u're trying 2 prompt zaidi and me to buy rc tixs? haha u gotta be joking man. i was bout 2 suan her if zaidi din pursuade me not to. fancy telling of all the people in the world who would otherwise willingly buy a tix for charity, the ex-rirc chair and v-chair to buy tixs. heh ya i noe a bit mean and all, she wouldn't noe of coz but well i really couldn't resist it. comic relief frm a stressed up day.

mmm u noe if u really open ur eyes and look around, u'd really notice a lot of things u probably wouldn't see b4. the world's a small place man. today at orchard station we saw tis ri guy wif the rg girl and he was lyk caressing her and standing intimately lyk ultra close to her. and he was lyk fondling wif her hair in a way tht bears hints of slightly pervertic semblence. MAN HAVE YOU NO SENSE OF SHAME??? my god tht was a public place for goodness sake and lyk both of you were bloody wearing the sch uniform damn it. and worse still u dun hav 2 be so damn blatant bout it. come on la i seriously see no probs wif hugs and kisses and all tht but e way it happened really hit a raw nerve. call me conventional, call me traditional wadever, i found tht too much man. anyway later wen we went 2 e esplanade to relish the moment aft prelims b4 we finally graduate, and we met one of zaidi's friens there wif his (probably stead?) small world isn't it? well glad to noe at least some ppl keep their dignity intact

mmm ok ya juz got back frm dinner. went out today, mid-autumn festival, mum decided to eat out for once. u noe sometimes we question the words tht define our lives and we find no ans. y r we alive anyway? if u tink bout tht more qns pop us. wad is the point in humanity's existance actually? Does a higher being really exist? if it did how did tht being come bout? if it did no, den y are here? human thought and emotion is such a complex and beautiful thing. it allows boundless transition tht gives people inspiration, tht gives people hope, tht helps define reality. yet despite the immenseness of all these qns and the impossibility of it to ans and prove it, they can be spurn juz frm a moment along the river-front and staring at the crabs on rocks below. sometimes i juz wish moments would juz freeze and be locked down for eternity, allowing us to contemplate wad we truly r, giving us something we are so desperately trying not to relinquish. beautiful moments, lyk juz sitting at the riverfrnt, staring out at the city with the wind blowing on ur face. achingly enthralling, yet always transient and fleeting.

ok if u din get e last part ya juz dun bother. it probably wun mak much sense to some but hey no one said thoughts are easy to understand. if they were, we would all hav attained nirvana wouldn't we? anyway ya wrote long enuff. tak care ppl.

The Lost Soul |6:33:00 pm|

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Monday, September 27, 2004

ok,

so yup today is the first day of getting back prelim results. so far haven been disappointed yet and actually things hav turned out pleasently well. got back 3 papers + 1 if u can count chi as a paper and ss as one too. -.-" all a1s haha. well a maths 89%, chem 87%, ss 39/50 and chi well ya. chi. anyway basically e linchpin of everything is in tomolo's hist paper, i need a 36 which basically equates to a 18 + 18 in order to score a 1. i'm not keeping too high hopes for tht one well coz onli 1 in 3 ppl got a1 so lyk according to our all so accomodating teachers we din exactly do very well. i'm lyk such a contradiction man, i hav half a mind lyk freaking out for e results and e other half of me does seem 2 care. lit busted. forget it man. i'll probably get a b3.

well after modest assurance frm various sources both reliable and unreliable, i feel confident enough to say i shld be able get a a1 for my L1. which leaves basically humanities to be desired + 1 other sub to clinch e 6-pointer fantasy. probably e-maths? according to mr kwa i guess it shld be a1nable. bio wasn't too well done, slightly less den half achieved an a1. phy not too reassuring man, mr wee gave such a great confidence booster for a comment. hoping for an a2 but i tink b3 would seem more viable. sign. hist/ss i wun dare to give myself a stipulated score least my projected guess comes true and one tht i would not be all too comfortable with. i seriously hope for some divine miracle or juz some serious moderation. ok tht leaves a L1R5 of 8 pts projected if i use lit which with a deduction of 4 pts shld be alright unless our batch goes cut-throat with marks and absolutely kills everyone yup. not too badly done i guess, but not too marvelous either.

ok enough on results. yep went cycling wif tiong yesterday mornin. we cycled all e way 2 changi airport runway. haha e roads there r excellant man. u can cycle lyk hell and there'll still be hell more to go. but well time 2 settle in aft all e aft-prelims activities. can't afford 2 get complacent. no classical cases here. kinda hard 2 settle back down. dun feel lyk it but well i'll probably hav to force myself down 2 it sooner or later. better sooner. Os in a couple of weeks. sheesh, i never imagined tis day man. ever. but well reality catches up and we all hav 2 continue running again. least we become e most qualified person to apply for a road sweeping job next yr. haha interesting quote frm edward d.c.

okok sorry today's entry kinda suxs. blabbering non-stop for so long. all thrash and crap. anyway ya changed my template again to tis one. yup again. =P took kenny's advise and decided he was rite, the last one was a bit too feminish for my taste. =/ anyway ya hopefully tis stroke of fortune will continue on and may everyone get be given e choice to pursue their dreams. buaiz.

The Lost Soul |7:29:00 pm|

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Saturday, September 25, 2004

hi,

ok i redid the layout of my blog obviously. please tell me wad u tink of it and yes i'm finally updating again. haha last time was lyk one sat so far away i can't rmb coz my sats hav basically been the dull monotonous sterotypical ones i'm so getting sick of. prelims man. they are so ultimately sucky. countless hours of mugging and more mugging and looking at books and trying to recall the functions of the liver. sheesh.

the word finally hasn't really solidified down yet but perhaps it shouldn't. its not over yet. there's still Os coming up man. tht'll be lyk somewhere very close. ppl are already beginning their count down and gearing up for tis final leg of e race but well i tink i'll give myself an extended holiday for now. haha no point forceing myself to study wen all i wan is 2 burst out of tis encapsulating fate. anyway talking bout prelims i would say they were ok. managable would be more or less appropriate. of coz u always hav e few exceptions and impossibily horrendous subs lyk the unseen poem for lit which practically killed my brian wen i read it and of coz our all so favourite humanities subject lyk ss/hist. tok bout a humanities course in jc man. i wouldn't expect too much frm it, but i guess if a sprinkle of allowed optimism, there would be no slander to say i could get into rj. or wadever jc i decide to apply for. hopefully.

the rj dream. or so it seemed was firmly rooted inside of me before i sat for e prelims. i had been trying 2 use tht as a motivation 2 study for facing the bore of mugging and mugging and even more mugging. but it seems the foundations of tht dream has been shaken. aft e series of jc talks doubts hav again started to resurface. rj seems so, so u noe "tradition of excellance", prim and proper and all tht sort. good yes but too inflexible. vj on the other hand seems more vibrant and alive. tht is really attractive and as mentioned, it is close. a definite plus point. hc seems another option not worth discarding entirely too coz it does present itself as a cross between rj and vj, vibrancy and muggish all together. yet somehow the new surroundings and fresh beginning really appeals to me. budden seriously its awfully far, not to mention i lose my 2 pts bonus for affiliation and its very very chinese based, probably not suited for me and frm wad i gathered not as vibrant as i was given the impression. but we'll see.

heh been watching movies/lanning e past 2 days. haven done tht in lyk eons already felt so good to be playing hard again. however hard tht could be with e fact tht we still hav restraints. anyway went cycling yesterday to ecp den all the way up to t.m. safra. with all the planes landing and taking off it was rather cool, but nothing can beat the feeling of sea breeze hitting ur face, music blasting in ur ears and the whole of the beach pervading ur senses man. its so detached, so relaxing, w/o a care in the whole damn world. all u noe is the track in front of you, the waves and sand around you, and urself cycling everything outa ur system. the smell of fresh air breathes life into you again. at least for e moment. it rawks man. if only wad is could be wad will be forever.

ok i guess i've ranted on long enuff la. nth really much 2 talk about really. results r coming back on monday but i dun really care anymore. its all done, all decided no use freaking out. no point. rather enjoy myself while i still can before hitting e books again on monday. tomolo meeting tiong hwee to go cycling at ecp. haha yup again. well aft tht, we'll see where i go ya? anyway good luck to everyone whether getting back prelim results or sitting for e last few prelim papers. i guess we could all do some use wif a flash of luck here and there. cya.

The Lost Soul |9:21:00 pm|

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My Identity

Name: Cedric Koh
Bdae: 6th May 1988
Skool: Raffles Institution 2001 - 2004
Maha Bodhi Primary School 1995 - 2000
Contact: infamax3000@hotmail.com

Expression

-Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.

-Winston Churchill

Past Contemplations



April 2004

May 2004

June 2004

July 2004

August 2004

September 2004

October 2004

July 2007

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