mmm,

life is ticking away, every second, every minute. and here i am sitting in my of a flickerng monitor screen typing tis entry. haven updated in a long time i noe. dad went overseas again trying to settle a job in indonesia so here i am online aft all tis while yup. mmm i'm also not sure of e job status of my dad. he got retreched frm his old company and i believe he is doing something new wif his ex-boss. anyway so few ppl r online these days, all exam stressing sinking into every crevice of their minds. pervading sense and reason, ppl getting stressed out yet i feel strangely empty. i juz dun feel lyk studying yet i feel pressurized to study, i feel pressurized to do work to be hardworking to do wad every1 else is doing but seriously i feel lyk a a vacumn. an emptyness inside, juz sick of tis pointless efforts to mug and mug and mug.

its finally here isn't it. aft 4 yrs. somehow i tink i probably got burnt out aft prelims and i'm having trouble keeping my pace. all e previous times, the motivations and e stamina hav all been drained and bleached into oblivion and i feel juz lyk an empty husk, hollow, transparent and faded. all i can conjure are thoughts of finding ways to relax, my thoughts screaming out to juz run and release myself frm tis tormenting cycles of inflicting meaning facts into my memory. i wan 2 go to e beach and juz feel the breeze against my face without the nagging pain of Os grinding somewhere at the back of ur conscious, threathening to consume all ur sanity and leave u spitted with nothin but bones shld u dare to hav e audacity to ignore it. no tis cannot continue, i hav to drag myself out frm tis jagged sea of dispair and rise above e darkness. the last lap, the last month, the last ditch effort will not be in vain nor will it be bogged down and stained by my self-imposed and overly excessive paranoia and pessimism. i will hav 2 find motivation and i will overcome tis intact.

the last few days i've been watching e neon genesis evagelion dvd and wow it really roxs man. on a surface level it might seem juz another cartoonist dreams of his own warped twisted imagination of reality. or another childish story designed for marketting, but it goes more den tht. it has naturally all e themes and ideals tht 1 may find in a lot of other shows, self-sacrisfice, self-discovery, friendship, the stigmas of a bad childhood and e foolishness of humanity. the list goes on. wad gives man the right to exist anyway? are we so foolish in our efforts to survive we are willing to harness e engine of our destruction? the questions go on. but yet e most outstanding issue questions our very values and our existance. hu are we? are we defined as how we see ourselves? in tht case if u are e onli thing existance in nothingness, wad difference r u frm nothingness? how diffrent r u exactly? w/o anything there is no difference. it is onli thr e existance of the "other" tht "i" can defined isn't it? u are still ultimately defined by how u exist in every1's mind and how u exist in ur mind as well. none is independant of e other isn't it? everything together defines "u" fore w/o others and anything else, u hav no practical difference frm nothingness yet w/o urself, u cannot exist. perhaps these is y ppl care so much of wad others tink of em.

another interesting thing of human nature it points out - man wans freedom but rejects it at e same time. imagine if u can complete freedom, no rules to bound u by, u would not noe wad to do or where to go or wadsoever isn't it? u would wan an objective if not man feel his life has no purpose but wif an objective u hav a restriction. u wan emotion but emotion comes wif restrictions too. so indeed how can e idea of complete freedom exist actually? if one were give it, one would wan more and wif tht more one would be restricted. i hope e pt is coming across here but if u dun understand me go watch e series haha. well another thing is e true value of things we hold as worth of value. e pt there was pretty clear. u r not defined by ur value tht others see u by or even how u see urself by. u may be characterised by these value now, believing they r everything to see, so much to e pt tht they define u and u would be nothing w/o them but more often u can lead an entirely different life and still be defined as urself w/o em. juz another pt they drove across.

mmm well time flies in e flash of an eye, grad ceremony is tis saturday. wif e benefit of hindsight i guess i wished i did a lot of things differently but den again all things done hav value. it was juz a moment ago i tot i was in sec 1 orientation and well now 4 yrs hav gone and we hav walked thr e portals of ri. good or bad? impossble to evaluate isn't it? our lives can onli develop 1 way. there's no bar for comparison. anyway ya there'll be memories treasured and moments hated undoubtedly for every1 and tis all contributes to e sense of e experience we all went thr. a sense of saddness and a sense of juvalation, an irony in human beings so lyk e hedgehig's dilema but tht's wad all makes it even more worth remembering. ok ya tht's bout it i guess. back to mugging haha. cya and take care.